


and there's so much I've been silent on

by ArtemisD



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Brotp, Bullying, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 18:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18078311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisD/pseuds/ArtemisD
Summary: "As much as he was an huge asshole, and still is, he was the only person I knew in the outside world. So I kept him close. He was the only vague resemblance to family I had. I did everything he asked me to because I was scared of being alone."Fjord tells a story to Beau of him, and Sabien, and wanting a family.rated teen for swearing





	and there's so much I've been silent on

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I'm not the best writer in any way but I wanted to read more about the beautiful Bromance that is Beau and Fjord.
> 
> I'm better at writing dialogue and thinking of how it would come across at the table rather than beautiful descriptions, so y'know, go easy on me
> 
> title is from "welcome to the family" by watsky

Sabien found them. There was an argument, a fight, there was something, Fjord is hazy on the details of it all. He just remembers being heartbroken, and angry, and walking away from him. He remembers someone shouting after him, but he can't focus. His mind is a whirlwind of emotion and noise and he can feel his mask slipping.

Fjord walks ahead of the group. He's been quiet on the walk back to the inn. He's quiet when they go into the bar. He waits for Caduceus to talk to the innkeeper, get the rooms before swiftly taking a key and heading upstairs before any of the party can say a word to him. The noise of the bar is too much right now, there are people talking and music playing and glasses hitting tables and Fjord feels like he's suffocating. He heads upstairs, focusing on the cold metal of the key in his hand, anything to take his mind off what just transpired.

The door shuts behind him with a slow click. It's a simple room, two single beds against the walls on either side. Fjord tries to take a deep breath, but the quiet of the room isn't helping, he still feels constricted and breathless. He resigns to taking his armour off, routinely and absentmindedly placing it on the end of the left bed until he's just in his dirty white shirt and his leggings. And he breathes. But it still feels as thick as seawater.

He doesn't sit on the bed. He sits on the floor, facing the rest of the room, his back against the wooden base. It's hard and uncomfortable, but he can't move now.

Paralysed by his own stupid emotions, thinking about Sabien and their past and remembering the night the ship exploded, seeing Sabien jump from the deck moments before Fjord was flung from it. 

And after all this, Ukatoa, the temples, Sabien, all of his time with the Mighty Nein, he still doesn't know where Vandren is.

"Fjord, you in there?" There's a harsh knock, and Beau's voice comes flooding through the door. Fjord coughs.

"Yeah, come in." He hears himself talk for the first time in hours and he's raspy from shouting. He takes a drink of water from him canteen. Beau opens the door and at least she has some tact left, she looks both ways out into the hallway before shutting the door slowly behind her. She turns, crosses her arms and just looks at him on the ground. Fjord doesn't know what to say. He takes another swig and doesn't meet her eyes.

Beau sighs and sits down on the floor next to him. He doesn't have to look at her to know she's desperate to ask questions once her legs are stretched out in front of her: her fingers are tapping on her legs, she's glancing around the room at every item of furniture, her foot is twitching. It takes 10 seconds.

"So, uh, what was that?" Beau is trying her best to be nonchalant and she's so blatantly not that Fjord can't help force out a laugh. She jabs him in the ribs with her elbow. He rubs at it, he's sure it wasn't supposed to be hard but it still stings.

"Yeah alright fine. My history with, uh," he pauses, "with Sabien, it's a long one." Beau replies almost instantly with a shrug.

"I got time." She looks at him, and finally he looks at her. She's trying to stop herself from looking eager but it's really not working but he appreciates it, probably more than he's willing to admit.

"You know I grew up in an orphanage, right?"

"Yeah, Port Damali?" He wishes she wasn't so intrigued, wishes he didnt have to relive his childhood again. But most of his adult life has been entirely based on what he didn't have, he can't escape it. So he might as well explain to her.

"Yeah. Well, I was there for a long time. I never had parents, or a family or anything, all I ever knew was that place. I was a baby. And Sabien was there too, I don't know how old he was when he got there but I've known him my whole life. And he was, well, he was an asshole. Y'know that kid that steals all the toys because he doesn't want anyone else to touch them?" Beau nods. "He was that kid. Real possessive, jealous, mean, y'know the type."

Fjord takes another drink of water. "We were there 'til we were 18. And I tried so hard. Every time a couple would come in, I'd dress up as nice as I could, I'd clean, I'd introduce myself as nicely as, y'know, a 6 year old can. Didn't matter. Nobody wants a little green kid with tusks coming out of their fucking mouth." Fjord sighs. The air is still thick in his throat.

"All I ever dreamed about was a family. To have a mom and dad come in, look at this chubby orc boy and think 'yeah, I want that one'. To have an actual home, with someone to read you stories and look after you when you skin your knee and all that other stuff. When the other kids bullied me, I'd imagine I wasn't in the back of a closet being kicked and spit on. I was on a rocking chair in a blanket with a mom reading books."

In the corner of his eye, Beau flinches. He clears his throat and looks away for a second. It's painful to think about how much he fantasised about having parents now. And why did he have to say all that shit in front of Beau? She has parents and they treated her like dirt. He wonders if she had the same dreams.

"Y'know they were just fantasies. In a perfect world scenario. But it didn't happen, so I got older and I left. And Sabien followed me. As much as he was an huge asshole, and still is, he was the only person I knew in the outside world. So I kept him close. He was the only vague resemblance to family I had. I did everything he asked me to because I was scared of being alone. At some point, he decided to kiss me. And I let him."

Beau looks shocked. Fjord just shrugs. He supposes he has kept that one a little quiet. "If that was what it took to keep him close. At first I wasn't sure, but after a while it was normal. And I was happy to go along with everything he said, because in the back of my mind I kept thinking 'I can make my own family with him, I don't need parents now because we're together'. I fell in love with the first person to show any interest in me. He was the one who said we get a job on a ship."

Fjord finishes his water. He doesn't want to look at Beau, to see her reaction, that this half orc man she knew was entirely made from his loneliness and desperation. He focuses on the mud beneath her boot.

"I think Vandren took pity on us. We were living on the streets, doing odd jobs just to be able to eat. We slept in alleys or even an empty barn if we were lucky. We must have looked useless to a captain. But he decided to let us on, prove our worth. Vandren did so much for me on that ship. He taught me how to use a sword, how to be useful, even gave me some books of his so I could learn things I should have learned in a school. I finally had a father figure in my life, it was everything I wanted." Fjord sighs heavily and closes his eyes.

"But then Sabien happened. It was never a good thing, what we had, it was always as if he had power over me, I was weaker than him. And then when Vandren was helping me, he got worse. He got possessive over me, jealous that Vandren was spending so much time with me and not him. I tried to keep him happy. Before we went to sleep every night, I'd teach him everything Vandren had taught me that day. I thought it was enough. I tried so hard to keep Sabien happy, but...it just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough."

"He wanted to leave the boat. Didn't want me to come with him, and I wanted to stay and him to stay with me. I...I begged him to stay with me. Then it just turned into this huge argument. He showed his true colours, I'll tell you that much. He was cruel. Accused me of lots of things. He thought I was convincing Vandren to treat him like shit. I would have never said a word against him or Vandren. But we argued, and essentially we broke up. And definitely not on good terms. Really, uh, really bad terms."

Fjord runs his chin with his hand. "The ship blew up a couple of days later. I watched him jump off the side, in the middle of the ocean with no where to go. Couple of seconds later, the hull exploded and I was drowning," he finishes. He leans his head back against the bed and stares at the ceiling.

Beau is speechless for a few seconds. She stutters a few random noises before words find her.

"Wow. I mean. That sucks, dude."

Fjord forces out a laugh. It's almost hysterical.

"Yup, a little bit." He pauses for a few seconds, still staring at the ceiling. "I've had sex with literally two people, Beau. Sabien tried to kill me, and Avantika is dead because of me. Not a great track record."

"Well, no, but you don't need to have sex with someone to make them family." Fjord finally looks at her. "I mean, we're a bit weird and messed up, but we're kind of a family, or we could be with some time." Beau looks at him, and he finally looks her in the eye. "I can't see us all wrapping each other in blankets on rocking chairs reading stories, but we can come pretty close to that." She pauses and leans into his shoulder, nudging him slightly.

"I don't think we can get you parents now. Maybe Caduceus is the closest to that, more like a weird uncle. But I think of you as a brother. We can't get you a mom, but maybe I can be your sister if that's good enough for now? Y'know if you want. You don't have to." She looks down at her feet.

Fjord can't close his jaw. He heard her hesitation at the end, he knows she's still unsure about her words, she's learning from him, and suddenly every interaction they've had makes sense. Beau is his sister, and it feels like she has been since the day they met. He taps her shoulder so she looks at him, and he pulls her into a hug.

"Beau, I...a sister is more than enough for me." He squeezes her tight, and he realises he doesn't remember the last time he gave somebody a hug. Maybe years. He feels his eyes well up and presses his face into her shoulder. He holds on for a moment longer and pulls away, trying to wipe his eyes before she sees. He's sure she sees, but it doesn't matter now.

"I'm sorry for unloading all of...that. I know you and you parents weren't exactly the storybook picture of family."

"Yeah well. You win some, you lose some. Lost them, but I got you and the Nein, right? Pretty good deal." She smirks at him and it's the most genuine smile he's seen on her.

Fjord puts his arm around her shoulder and pulls her in to lean on him. "I'm honoured to call you my sister." He hesitates before deciding fuck it and kisses her on the side of her head before she can pull away. Which she does after a few seconds.

"Alright alright, enough of the sappyness, let's go get some drinks and wash all this emotion off." She stands up in a swift movement before standing in front of him and holding out her arm. Fjord smiles, takes it and lets her pull him up. She opens the door for him as they leave the room.

He has a sister now. He has a family. And he smiles. He takes a deep breath, and finally it doesn't feel like ocean water.

"So when were you planning on telling us you're into guys?"

Never mind. Fjord rolls his eyes.


End file.
